Closure
Sub-Ed Note: Readers of a sensitive disposition may want to skip this one.
Everything is numb. My eyes open slowly, painfully, into a cloud of white. I blink, I focus, I try to remember what has happened. Then there is only darkness as unconsciousness drifts over my body and my mind turns to Lola. I hear her pleading voice, desperation choking in her throat as the tears spill down her face. I hear my voice, angry, accusing, and I cannot reach her, though I can almost feel her skin against mine. I want to wash away her tears, hear her soothing voice, see her jubilant smile. Yet all I can see is the knife. I feel its welcoming cruelty, its cold, callous face. I see an arm. I force the knife deep into its smooth surface. I see blood. I see Lola, lying on the floor, her mouth curled into a frightened scream. Her eyes are pools of fear. I wake, the same expression painted all over my face as I realise what I have done.
My skin crawls with the lack of her touch, I am aching just to see her, to go back and hold her once more. I lie down in the empty bed, the void, blank darkness adding to the loneliness and the silence. Gradually I sink into an uneasy sleep. I dream of waking to find her sleeping next to me, stealing the blanket, mumbling nonsense as she wanders in a world away from this one. When I wake the only face that greets me is the cold, emotionless empty space, which should have been filled with a morning sleepy smile.
There was no distinction between my life and hers, no line to state the boundaries, no clock to tell us how long we had left. Suddenly a part of me had disappeared, been cut away; the clock was lying in bits after its final tick. The argument is a blur of harsh words and angry tears, and now as I lie in this hospital bed surrounded by medical monotony, her tears escape my eyes as I attempt to understand what has happened. Why would I have done it? Why would I have destroyed the only part of myself that made me feel whole?
A voice echoes around me.
“Lola?” I mumble, my throat dry. My heart skips a beat. Perhaps this had all been a dream, just a nightmare. I open my eyes, praying to see her soft smile, her sparkling eyes. The voice repeats itself.
“Mr Richards, I’m PC. Bradshaw, I’d like to ask you a few questions, if you feel ready.”
Reality made my blood run cold. I signal for the glass of water sitting on the table next to me. There are flowers, cards, grapes. I grip the cup and gulp its contents thirstily, my throat soothed by its cool taste.
These four walls contain me in my futile existence, the silence amplified until it hurts my ears and all I can do is sleep. Numbness possesses my body and the world continues to spin, though to me time stands still. I can only wait; wait for forgiveness, wait for the scars to heal. Minutes turn to hours with the blink of an eye as the clock ticks to ten past two. It is almost time.
"Mr Richards, I know this is difficult for you and that the events of the last few days have been very traumatic. Don't worry if your memory seems vague or if you can't remember anything at all, but it would be useful if you could tell me whether or not this photo means anything to you."
A man's face stares back at me, his skin pale and drawn, his eyes cold, staring hard into the face of the camera. It feels as though I recognise him from a different life, like he is somehow unexplainably woven into the patchwork of my memory.
"I realise that you are still in shock. The events of the last few days have been extremely traumatic. I'm sorry… I'm sorry to be the one to break this news to you. Lola was killed by a hit and run driver, just outside your house. You…" he coughs, eyes darting about the room in an uneasy fashion, as if searching for someone to help him along. "You left a note, afterwards… after she stopped breathing. You said that you couldn't go on without her, that your life had been stripped of its purpose. You blamed yourself for her death; you felt that the argument that occurred between you caused her to run into the road without looking. That is why you are here, Mr Richards. You tried to end your life."
I struggle to process this; my blood is rushing around my body at a hundred miles an hour. I had seen the knife. Hadn’t I had seen myself use it to end Lola's life? But why would I have done it? And why did this man look so familiar?
The wind wails as it sweeps across the mournful hills, bare trees keening and grass rippling as it throws itself at them, regretful faces of figures in black whipped by its icy hands. Somewhere from this sea of blackness, a baby calls out to the wind. As one life ends, another is only just beginning. The Sun is rising lazily above the black horizon as I scan it, silent tears escaping from my shadowed eyes. I no longer search for an explanation as to why the reason for my existence had been stripped away. Life was a constant river of twists and turns, and though things had gone off course, I would not let both of us drown. I am surrounded by her; she is the wind, the clouds, the grass, the sun, and though the memories of her still hurt in a place no-one can ever even attempt to reach, I am comforted by the thought of a little bit of her living on in me. She gave me a second chance. I had been forgiven.
What is remaining of her - the ashes left from what she had been before - are scattered into the wind, into the freedom of the hills. I watch them dance for a moment, and then she has gone. Lola can sleep easy now, and so can I.
Info » Family & Relationships » Separation and Loss
Info » Health » Emotional and Mental Health » Self Harm
IMAGE: Neue Wache by xdjio
8 Comments – Postiwch sylw
bsimo
Rhoddwyd sylw 19 mis yn ôl - 30th September 2010 - 17:21pm
This is really well written, I love the story and I think you have written this really sensitively, The feelings of the main character have been desribed so well. :)
tommy b
Rhoddwyd sylw 19 mis yn ôl - 1st October 2010 - 13:36pm
Wow, really well written and very powerful
Lau'
Rhoddwyd sylw 19 mis yn ôl - 4th October 2010 - 11:48am
this is amazing i love it
Ariane
Rhoddwyd sylw 19 mis yn ôl - 4th October 2010 - 12:02pm
Lau, You Didnt Even Read It :P...
Elliepaige-x
Rhoddwyd sylw 19 mis yn ôl - 4th October 2010 - 13:38pm
Amazing :D its soo powerful i couldnt stop readin it... should deffo make moree likee :) x
tiav5
Rhoddwyd sylw 19 mis yn ôl - 4th October 2010 - 13:44pm
Arwww this is amazin :D should really consider making more ;) !!
happy jim
Rhoddwyd sylw 19 mis yn ôl - 4th October 2010 - 13:45pm
yes! :)
Opal_Eyes
Rhoddwyd sylw 19 mis yn ôl - 21st October 2010 - 13:31pm
Thank you for the comments, I really appreciate the feedback and it's really nice to hear that people approve! I've also submitted the short story 'Home', and have just sent my first poem, which will hopefully be up soon. It's titled 'Indefinite Love'.