Flick Flak: Machete
Machete
Director: Robert Rodriguez, Ethan Maniquis
Starring: Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez, Jessica Alba, Steven Seagal
18, 105mins
Do you have a film that you love, even though you know it is truly awful? Or even, because it is truly terrible? I have a few, and high on the list is the Robert Rodriguez film Planet Terror. So I have been looking forward to this, another effort at B-movie 80s exploitation cinema, for a long time. In fact, ever since I heard that the fake trailer Rodriguez made to put between Planet Terror and Tarantino's Death Proof in their Grindhouse feature was to be made feature length. Like Planet Terror its tongue is firmly in cheek, aiming at cheesy, super-violent and ridiculous action. Machete certainly achieves this, but doesn't reach the heights of Rodriguez's older films.
The director's back catalogue is an impressive roster of stylish and entertaining films (I'm ignoring his Spy Kids franchise here): Sin City, Once Upon A Time In Mexico, The Faculty, Desperado, From Dusk Til Dawn... given these films Machete is a bit of a disappointment. But there is plenty to like.
The fighting and killing is as prevalent and absurd as you would expect. Never before have I seen such a variety of weapons utilised - from corkscrew to high heels, vase to garden Flymo, and of course a lot of machete. The violence is extreme and practically cartoon, at one point resembling a live action Itchy & Scratchy. You need more than two hands to count the number of limbs and heads lopped off within the first five minutes. I know it takes an odd sense of humour to find this kind of thing funny, but heck, I have that sense of humour. To a point. By about halfway through, the almost constant fighting was getting a little boring. Kudos to the writers for constantly surprising with imaginative ways to kill somebody, but the novelty does wear off eventually.
It is not even worth mentioning acting in this film, as clearly everyone involved is aiming for pantomime levels. It's hammier than a butcher's picnic. That said, Machete is effectively a celebration of Danny Trejo, and he is awesome. His CV is one of the busiest I have ever seen - seriously, check it out on IMDB! I imagine everybody will recognise him from something, but few will know from what. (Most likely being a Mexican bartender in From Dusk Til Dawn or Anchorman.) A former drug addict, armed robber and prison boxing champion, he has made countless big-name friends since becoming an actor, explaining the surprisingly good cast of Machete - most notably Robert De Niro, who worked with Trejo on Michael Mann's Heat. He was born to play Machete, and I loved him in the role. Also good was Steven Seagal, (worryingly for him) giving the best performance I've seen from him as evil drug lord Torrez. No true action fan can fail to be excited by watching Seagal with two samurai swords face off against Trejo's dual machetes. Just a shame that fight is a bit wet.
Similarly, it seems pointless to criticise the script, as it is clearly aiming for cringe-worthy awfulness, so much so that it's funny. Says Machete in third-person: "Machete don't text." "We didn't cross the border, the border crossed us!" declares Jessica Alba's customs official-turned-revolutionary. Which brings me to the plot... err. It's a revenge film. That's it really. Throw in some tosh about immigration, political backstabbing and a sub-plot of Mexican revolution in Texas, and there you have it. Plus of course the romantic angles. Which involves Machete being irresistible to women, leading to a lot of comical liaisons, plus more nudity than I needed. A bit of subtle sexiness goes a long way, and this film contains nothing of the sort, especially when it comes to Lindsay Lohan's character. Like the rest of the film, part of me wonders if it's done ironically or if it actually crosses a line - the stereotyping, female exploitation and general awfulness of the film all fall under this question.
In the end, for the most part, Machete is incredibly entertaining. Probably best watched on DVD so that you can laugh with friends at the absurd plot holes, awful dialogue, and senseless violence, but if you are in the mood for unashamedly stupid fun, you could do much worse than Machete.
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